Breaking the silence

Runner-up for the SI Swimsuit Cover

Now the secrets out. You know what I've been up to. Personally, I think it was a pretty tough call. Oh, what a mood I'm in.... It's the February ailment I experience almost every year. Last year we headed down to North Carolina about this time and what a therapeutic treatment it was for my ailing spirits. T-shirts and playing in the park - it was great. Don't take me wrong. I love winter and snow. It is the in-between that sends my spirits nose diving.

Joking aside - that is not what I've been up to. I on the other hand have been just attempting to keep up with all the things moms do. No big races, no extravagant trips, no huge accomplishments, not even a great buy on a year's supply of toilet paper. But, maybe it is in the eye of the beholder .... Because, while just surviving and maintaining is not big in your eyes it could be pretty significant in my 2 and 8 yr. old's eyes when the flip side of maintaining is no fresh laundry in their drawers no home cooked meals and in our case no school. So, while my spirits drift a little this time of year it only takes a sweet note from my "Calm" or an "I love you much" from my "Wild" or surprise flowers from my hubby and it makes my heart smile and combats these cabin fever blues head on. Oh, and the other element that is sure to put an end to my gray days of Winter is a weekend getaway to a remote location with my handsome man. There are benefits to having your birthday and Valentine's Day side by side.

If any of you are like me and need a bit of sunshine -- here's what I have to offer.

God sees the storm from the other side

He knows the lessons learned and just beyond the clouds He sees clear skies

He speaks peace to the raging storm, when peace could not be found

He already sees the rainbow when we see only clouds

words from He Already Sees written by Dianne Wilkinson and Joseph Smith

Now that has to brighten your day! It did mine. Hope all is well and you take joy in all the blessing around you.

Mobilization Ceremony for Steve

Friday was the call to duty / mobilization ceremony for my cousin Steve. Usually when introducing one another we just say sister and brother. It just seems more appropriate since cousin denotes distance and brother - closeness. But anyways...., it was with mixed emotions I attended the ceremony. A part of me swelled with pride while the other half cowered in fear. As I saw the group of soldiers - dads, husbands, boyfriends, sons, and brothers march in I felt so much emotion. I managed control of the urges within me to scream, yell, cry. We were all safe in that high school here in the cozy US of A with our little symbols of freedom being waved freely. They our American soldiers were within reach. I could catch a glimpse of him down there on the third row. And, if I caught his eye and gave him some familiar goofy look he would gesture back, but he in a matter of hours he would be leaving. No longer in my grasp, out of view, away from the security of this great nation and on - head on to enemy territory. I know many are anticipating his arrival and he will be their hero, but the shadow of the enemy clouds my optimism. I took hold of the determination and grit displayed on so many of their faces - the least of which not being that of their commander. He, with a look that could stop you dead in your tracks - swore this troop was ready for their mission, they would be successful and meet us back here for the hero ceremony next January. I know he cannot guarantee the future, but everyone knew exactly what he was saying and that positivity and God's grace is just what is going to keep my head up and looking forward to the day he comes back to my house for cookies and lasagna. Until then, I'll be praying for him, Melissa and Taylor everyday and flying my flag a little higher as my freedom just became even more dear. I love you, brother. Come home safe.

Wayne's space

One of Wayne's favorite things to do this time of year. And you can't get it done better than with several good hounds. Here's to Wayne and the Pastor and the three hounds that had a good day of rabbit hunting last week. Wayne has fond memories of past times with great friends and good beagles. What a life - a man and a couple good huntin' dogs!

I often thought Wayne was such a deprived little boy, hardly knowing any "fairy tale" stories. But, one he knew quite well was Fox and the Hound. I almost fell off my chair one day when he started singing the words to "I'd rather have a dog than a dollar". That's my man!

17 years today!

It was the summer of 1989. I was preparing for GBS. I would be leaving in several weeks and on my list of things to do was the "breaking up" with my boyfriend. We had been friends forever and had went "steady" for the last 6 months or so. And now the obligation befell me to release "him" since we would have to endure a long distance relationship and that would be fair to neither of us. His response was short and simple - "but, I love you". So, I said are you sure and he never said anything that he wasn't already sure about and we stuck it out. Him making the trip to Cincinnati almost every weekend of the school year to pick me up and make his presence just in case anyone had any doubt about me having a boyfriend :o)

Senior trip to Gatlinburg in May of '90 was quite a trip especially after my Wayne shows up with Randy (my best friend's beau). We happened to be horseback riding at the time. I'll never forget coming out of the woods to the clearing to see Wayne and that Monte Carlo SS in the parking lot. Needless to say - I did almost fall off that horse.

That weekend we managed a short drive by ourselves. Wayne drove me to a park, parked the car, turned in his seat and with a voice that wasn't quite as confident as usual popped the question. I will tell you I was immediately in shock. All I could think of was - I was still in high school! And my life begin to pass before my eyes. And after it stopped rolling - I knew he was for me. He would love me forever. And I said.......yes. Wayne said that was a long pause.

We planned to have a Spring wedding which turned into a Winter one due to exam schedule (I was in college), but hey, that shortened the engagement by several months and that was good. Living the lifestyle we chose to live - long engagements are not a good idea.

We went back to Gatlinburg on our honeymoon. Two kids with aspiration and determination, enough love for the whole world and enough energy to run there if we had to. We had about $300 to our name, no reservations and too young and in love to know any better.

Seventeen years later here is what I know -

You can still be in love after being together 17 yrs

You don't exactly feel "in love" everyone of those days

It's not all about getting but a lot about giving and at the end of the day you realize that while giving you end up receiving much more than you could have even asked for

There is great reward in making a strong, loving marriage - it doesn't just happen it takes work and sometimes hard work, it has been well worth the effort

I may not have seen my worst days, but may be I haven't seen my best days either.

I love you, Wayne. I thank God for you. I'd say - "yes" all over again. And, maybe this time I wouldn't pause :o) Thank you for 17 wonderful years. Now, on to the next 57! Meet ya in the hay, 12:00 sharp!

Catching up -- again

I have had my share of computer / online trouble lately. The USB modem being the latest of the issues. Oh, well, it's not like I have had a whole lot of extra time anyway. But... I do have one very important announcement! My little miracle baby that I referenced in the last post, is now 8 years old!! She was born Dec. 9, 1999. My due date for her was Jan. 1, 2000. Yes, I was projected to have the "millenium baby". I can remember one maternity shirt I had said "a baby like this comes along once in a millenium". Not only did my dates point to exactly Jan. 1, but so did ultrasound after ultrasound. In my mind I just thought it was God's way of letting me know every thing was going to be ok - giving me such a significant due date. Although everyone else thought that is was just so cool - a hospital was one of the last places I wanted to be on the much anticipated "Y2K". Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You" was my theme song. And guess what.... After working a 3-11 shift I woke up around 6 a.m. the next morning and was greeted with that wet feeling that you only hope and pray doesn't happen on Sunday morning while sitting in church. (That was always my fear.) My hubby kicked it into high gear while I meandered into the shower. We arrived at the hospital around 8 ish and she was born at 7:46 that night. Three weeks early, 7 lbs 4oz ,and a ton of reddish hair. Wow, I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I just didn't have any idea.... The amazement of looking into my children's faces and seeing bits of me and Wayne looking back is beyond words. I cannot even begin to describe the love I felt for her that day. Somewhere deep in my heart she reached. Awakening a love that had never been felt. It now consumes me and I will never be the same. Just before I left our house for the hospital, I was standing in the hallway heading out to the garage. I can remember having this monumental thought as if it were yesterday. I stopped and looked around. It hit me. This oversized house that Wayne and I had shared alone was never going to be the same. Our life as we knew it was never going to be the same. It was a blessed change. I will always know and understand "a mama's love".

Lauryn Alexis - you were the one that gave "mama" meaning to me. I love you so much. Thank you for all the happy moments. You are truly our gift from God. Always walk with Him. You are a wonderful daughter and great big sister. Happy Birthday, my big girl!

Late night ramblings

I sauntered out to the barn tonight. Hands shoved deep in my pockets, head down I really wasn't in to this. This wasn't the moment for an evening walk especially to the barn. I had managed to avoid the barn since Saturday and when my sick husband informed me he hadn't fed the animals tonight - right after I had dressed for bed - I wasn't feeling the love. But truly feeling sorry for his miserable state I didn't put up a fuss. I did ,however, put it off for awhile and then I headed out. I opened the door of the darkened barn and immediately headed for the hay. It was just out of habit as I have done for the past 7 yrs., but I stopped short as the sick feeling hit me -- He's gone. No whiny. No clomp clomp as I would usually hear when you knew someone opened the barn door or no loud clang as you leaned against the stall door. My barn is dead without you Luck. I knew this would be difficult, but I kept telling myself it was just the thing to do. I have so much to do and so little time I didn't want you to be neglected. But even when I couldn't ride - you were there to remind me that dreams do come true and the site of you kicking up your hooves, rolling around or just standing there in all your black beauty was good for my soul. I know you are in good, loving care and I can visit whenever I want, but I miss you.

The Story of "Luck"

Eight years ago I was in the depths and despair of infertility. Six years of infertility. Three surgeries, months of drugs, appointments, tests and a host of baby showers to attend left me at times pretty discouraged to say the least. I will interject that I never hated attending the baby showers - I really was happy for the parents. It was just emotionally draining. I was just so hoping that one day it would happen for me. It was early 1999 and I was recovering from my latest laparoscopy. The time frame for which the Dr. had given for conception to occur after the surgery had come and gone. I wasn't pregnant.

For as long as I can remember I have loved horses. I was the girl that had 101 horses in my room.- all shapes and sizes. Calendars. Pillows. Notebooks. Breyers. Whatever is was is was better if it had a horse on it. The dreams I would have.... The several times I went riding as a kid linger in my mind as if it were yesterday. My mom subscribed to Country magazine. I would eagerly take it upon arrival and look at every picture from front to back - transposing myself there - with my horse and barn.

So, I decided. I'm not going to have children - I'm going to buy a horse. I found an ad of interest. It read "registered Quarter Horse" - what I wanted. I went to see him. I fell in love with his eyes. There was just something about the eyes - I could see his heart through his eyes. I rode him and all went well and we decided it would be best if we built the barn first. The owners did tell me that someone else was interested as well, but me being me knew that if it was supposed to be he'd be mine. The next month when the paper came out I hurriedly searched the ads to see if he was still listed. To my grave disappointment he was not and I was heartsick. The following month I had a twinge of hope as I just thought I'd look and he was there! I convinced my doubting husband it was definitely a sign and wanted to go see him again. This time I took my horse savvy friend - Rena. I wanted to make sure it wasn't infatuation and get a second opinion. OK - long story somewhat shorter. I bought "Pastor's Lucky Kid" - "Lucky" aka "Luck" (Lucky is after all a puppy with black spots). We boarded him until our barn was done. I was having the time of my life - me and my dream - come - true. After one month of ownership of my dear "Luck" I found out I was pregnant with my miracle baby - Lauryn Alexis. Dreams do come true! I don't believe in luck - just in case you are wondering, but I do believe God's timing and plan are perfect. So, think what you will, but I know that God gave me Luck from a lady named Hope and just when I thought I couldn't be happier - He sent me a miracle from Heaven - and I was.

Luck is currently being leased out to my cousin Ashley - who dearly loves horses. Hopefully I'm helping a dream come true. I know they will have wonderful days together and someday I think he will come back home, but for now I'm just a little sad. I feel better for getting it all out -- thank you for letting me cry all over the keyboard.

Weekend Getaway

We headed to Tennessee after Wayne finished a busy morning at work Friday. I was - again- packed and ready to go when he pulled in the drive. Way to go - me! I may be improving, but so far from ultra-organized.

We took this trip to spend some time with my family before my cousin, Steve, leaves for Kuwait. He's in the Army and is being deployed in January. His family, parents, my family and mom all went to Pigeon Forge, Tn and stayed in a beautiful cabin. I was amazed at all the Fall color. And leaving this morning it was a balmy 62 degrees. It was a great weekend. I love this time of year. I know I have friends that I'll be sending their Christmas card to Gulf Blvd one of these days, but one of the best Christmas' was spent in the Smoky Mountains. Upon waking Christmas morning the snow was drifting down transforming the cabin and mountain to a winter wonderland! I'll take my "tender Tennessee Christmas" (and Thanksgiving) any day. I just love it here and am so glad we got to spend this Fall weekend before Thanksgiving here.

We went on a Trolley Tour of the Christmas Lights. Pancake Pantry was visited. Laser tag was enjoyed by Wayne, Lauryn and Steve. A lot of fun was had at the Track. Nightly games at the cabin were fun and Paul and June's cabin breakfast Sunday morning was a big hit. I love ya family - thanks for the memorable weekend. Steve you will stay close to our hearts while you are away.